Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
You Might Also Like
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
The news in a nutshell.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.