…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
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“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Art by Pastelkatto
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?