Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
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Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.