okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
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*cough*
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
titanic
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media