this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
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I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!