*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
You Might Also Like
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.