Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
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Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has