[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
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COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
This forever.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.