I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
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me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
accurate
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
R.I.P.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”