If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
You Might Also Like
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.