[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
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Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here