Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
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Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.