One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
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Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Social Media and Real life
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
😅🤣😂
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
hmm conte-me mais
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.