acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
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You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
I need to update my racial profile.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.