Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
You Might Also Like
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure