Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
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Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Welcome
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt