If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
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“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
This took me a second..
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?