At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
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In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii