Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
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I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Would you wear it?
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey