I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
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Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
I can’t wait!
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group