Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
You Might Also Like
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”