Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
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oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.