#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
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Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.