Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
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wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Finally!
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people