Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
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I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?