I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
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me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.