8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
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*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Oh my god
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.