The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
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I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.