What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
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I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
how was your vacation
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*