I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
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hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
you will never know the true number of layers
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass