turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
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If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*