Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
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As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF