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I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Lmao the reply
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.