Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
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“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
decorating my apartment
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Can. I. Help. You.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color