The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
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Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”