Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
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Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Your secret is safeish with me
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you