“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
You Might Also Like
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined