My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
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2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
cats when you pet them too long:
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
How to properly lift a body
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.