8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
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I need this for my side hustle.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.