Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
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my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.