[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
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Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Discuss
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.