Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
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Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.