The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
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I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh