My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
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If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history