Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
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Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Breaking news:
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more