Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
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Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
how to market bottled water to dads
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]