Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
You Might Also Like
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
WWE is French for “yes”
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.