Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
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My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate