Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
You Might Also Like
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok