Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
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damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
💁🏻♂️
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.